Under A Rock

     So... I'm feeling like I've fallen off the face of the earth. I have been bed ridden on and off since for years now, especially the last year. I have no idea whats going on in everyone's lives and no one really has a clue whats going on in mine. I don't really know how to act normal any more. The constant pain makes me socially awkward. I either act like there's nothing wrong with me and put on a face (to avoid conversation.) Or I hide in my bedroom behind closed doors to deal by myself (to avoid conversation.)

     A while ago I announced that I thought I was finally getting better and boy..... was... I... wrong....... again! I still had a lot to come. A variety of stomach, kidney stone, crippling body ache, joint, heart, fatigue, neck and head pains. I've had a consistent headache since October, and often times it turns into a migraine from hell! I'm talking throbbing in every centimeter of my head and even neck, nonstop vomiting, feeling like my neck is broken, light and noise sent an electric shock down my body, end up in the ER, wanna die migraine! 

     At my most recent trip to the hospital they put two shots in the back of my skull that felt like venom. And I had another allergic reaction to whatever medication they put into my I.V., just like I had when I was given morphine. Both some of the most terrifying moments in my life. It felt like metal being shoved up my veins, and the second it hit my shoulder it dispersed to my entire body within seconds leaving me gasping for air, wheezing, and hysterically coughing. Apparently my face turned beat red and my eyes pleaded to the panicking nurses to make it stop. They gave me something to counteract the allergic reaction I immediately felt relief but my body was painfully shaking for a long time after. 

     Whats going on in this body is still a mystery to me, and every kind of doctor I've seen. I've recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, irritable bowels, chronic fatigue as well as the chronic kidney stones. 

     My doctors have been testing to see if I have a hyperparathyroid tumor in my neck, which would explain everything! But the doctors are baffled because tests keep coming back normal. There is still a possibility that i might have a tumor, but they would have to just cut me open to know for sure. A big risk to take if that's not whats going on. I would absolutely love it if i had a tumor, as silly as that sounds. For so long I've desperately wanted an answer to all this madness. I would be able to have the tumor surgically removed, and the symptoms would go away. Simple as that.

     They are also considering if I have celiac disease since I have just about every symptom of that as well. Unfortunately they are not able to do correct testing since I've already started a gluten free diet. I've heard it takes a couple months to see improvement, so time will tell if that is part of the problem. I know I'm at least gluten intolerant, always have been. So even if I don't have celiacs I will still benefit from the diet. 

     If I ever get to escape this pain I want to be able to look back on these entries I have written so I can remember what it felt like. And have it be a reminder of the hard times to make the good times even better. That no matter what I would be happy for the rest of my life just to not feel pain. 

     But amidst these hard times we have received many blessings. Kolby has been offered a job that allows him to work when he is able. I've received much help babysitting Aspen from my family and the relief society, bless their hearts! We have a healthy baby girl. We don't have much but we have a roof over our head, food to eat, and we have each other. Which is good enough for me right now. But I do hope that some day soon I will be able to crawl out of this hole under my rock that I've dug myself into.

   I can't wait to enjoy the simple things in life again. Working, exercising, cooking, even when I'm able to clean makes me excited. All the things I used to complain about doing, I wish so badly I could do them now.

Aspens Nursery

I love these photos! My sister did such a great job capturing these sweet moments. And I'm so happy to have them.

I put a lot of thought and work into her nursery. I wanted to go with a woodland theme but I also wanted it to be modern and full of fun bright colors. I painted the animals like an Andy Warhol painting.