She is worth it all...

Entry date 8/2/13
Kolby and I had conspired not to start our family until he concluded his education, for health and financial reasons. He's pursuing a degree in nursing and will specialize as a Nurse Anesthetist. We still have a good 5-6 years left of schooling. So when we discovered that I was pregnant it was quite an unforeseen surprise! Now I look back and snicker at myself for being so frantically distressed when I first found out. I can not even conceptualize what my life would be like without her. The first time I heard her heartbeat it made mine throb from the overwhelming love I realized I had for her. But even then I had not yet felt the full extent until I first held her in my arms. I did not know that amount was even possible. Crazy in love with our little bambina!

But getting my darling baby girl here was a horrific nightmare. (Warning, the rest of this blog might be TMI for the faint hearted.) I've had the usual chronic kidney stones along with all the pregnancy symptoms on top of that. I've been in and out of the hospital my third trimester for pain management. I kept hearing how easy labor would be for me because it's been said that kidney stones are worse than labor HA yeah right, considering I had to do both kidney stones, hydronephrosis and labor at the same time. Everyone's been dying to know which is worse.. kidney stones or labor? Neither, infections are! But i'm going to have to go with kidney stones over the two. Depending on the size of the stone of course, large ones are as or more painful than labor. But I would choose labor over kidney stones any day for two reasons. The epidural and you receive something amazing after, a divine little being that we created. Rather than a dumb worthless tiny sharp rock.

July 18th I was in unbearably excruciating pain. My actual kidneys were throbbing so bad it felt like a giant had a squeezing grip on them attempting to strangle my kidneys. And strangely at the same time it felt like they were being ripped and shredded apart. I had been scheduled to be induced on the 24th but my mother and husband insisted on taking me to the hospital again for pain management and attempt to get me induced even earlier. I had an ultrasound of my kidneys, ureters, and bladder. The results were upsetting but not a surprise. I knew something wasn't right considering the amount of pain I had been in for so long. I had complete blockage in my right ureter and both kidneys had hydronephrosis from urine back up. They decided to keep me over night and put me on dilaudid and other heavy pain medications. And from that point on, these last two week's have been one big blur.

The nurses took such good care of me and and were very nurturing and sympathetic. They all did their very best to make me comfortable and tried their hardest to subside some of the ache. But no amount of pain or sleep narcotics could ease the hurt or put me to rest. One of my nurses called and begged my doctor in the middle of the night to induce me. She eventually convinced her and I was induced at 8:00 Friday morning. 

Here's the crazy part.. I had an epidural put in at 4:30 am and while he was putting it in I just kept waiting for the pain. I felt something a little strange in my back but I thought he was just prepping me before he put it in. Then I noticed he started packing his things up and then he remarkably said "you did great, that was easy." I replied very confused "wait.. what.. you're done?" And everyone started laughing. I'm so used to the kidney stone pain that nothing else phased me. 

After that I felt no contractions and very little kidney pain. I don't remember much but I do remember my labor was the best I had felt in months. My nurses were astounded by this and could not hardly believe it. I had stayed only dilated to a two till 7:00 and then they checked me again at 7:30 and I was fully dilated and ready to push. We were all just sure that the inducement wasn't going to take and that I would have to have a C section. I'm still confounded at how that's even possible to advance that much in just a half hour!

They told me the average first baby takes 2-3 hours of pushing. I thought to myself nooo wayyy in helllllll am I going to do this for that extensive time. I was determined to not prolong and get her out as quick as possible. And she was out in 30 minutes! I would have had her immediately if I didn't have to delay, waiting for my doctor to arrive. It hurt worse not to push when the urge came. I won't go into complete details, but I wish so badly that when the several times the anesthesiologist had come in and would ask if I wanted to up the epidural that I would have been inclined to do so. I just wasn't feeling any of the contractions or much pain until 30 minutes before it was time to push and by that time it was too late. So I felt everything! Lesson learned, have the epidural cranked up even if I'm not in pain for the delivery. I had torn pretty badly and remembered feeling like a century had gone by while getting sewn up. I began to wonder if she were ever going to finish with those miserable stitches.

I was so pumped full of water from having the saline drip for several days. I felt like Violet on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, minus the purple part. When I went to the bathroom after having Aspen my urine must have been backed up for miles because I peed for 5 minutes straight at least. I think that all the stones moving must have shredded my ureters, because it was so excruciating! I begged them to put a catheter back in because I couldn't bare to go to the bathroom. And they did but they laughed because they were baffled that a patient would ask for one. And without the epidural ahhh it hurt putting it back in! The nurses actually asked the anesthesiologist if he could put the epidual back in because it gave me so much relief. He said it was too dangerous, but I thought it was funny that they asked. The rest of that night I don't really remember other than the fact that I was in excessive pain. The nurses told me that our bodies naturally forget. The memory of my labor feels more like it was a year ago rather than a little over a week ago.

After a few days Aspen and I were both cleared to be released. Thank heavens my little angel is healthy. It's been two weeks now since Aspen has arrived. I thought that after I had her that most of my torment would be over and I would be relieved. But just when I thought I could not possibly go through any more than I had already suffered, it had only just begun. I got a urinary infection and wailed and sobbed my lungs and eyes out every time I went to the bathroom. UTIs are painful as it is but because of my tearing it felt like salt was pouring through my cuts. Every night I would have to change my clothes at the least five times because I was so drenched in sweat and had to get in the tub because of the chills. Then I started having these awful episodes of labor like pains. There was extreme sharp pains in my uterus. And my back felt like I had been kicked by a horse. I had an urge to push although there's nothing to push.

It had got so severe Kolby rushed me back to the hospital. They found a uterus infection, urinary infection, a few stones in my ureters, several stones in both kidneys, and a little hydronephrosis, as well as some other mild problems. They gave me a shot of dilaudid which is 3-4 times stronger than morphine. I was in instant relief, but I could hardly enjoy it because I knew that it was going to soon fade away. I almost wish I would have never experienced it because it made me realize how much chronic pain I've been in. For two years I've never experienced what its like to not be in pain. I wept the whole time because I was so relieved to have all the pain taken away and at the same time crying a river because I knew it would not last forever.

Entry date: 8/27/13
Soon after writing this last post I ended up back in the ER again in far worse condition than before. There is not a single word to describe the amount of pain I was enduring by this time. Gnashing my teeth in agony I literally thought my life was coming to an end. My body was resistant to the antibiotics and have tried several different kinds now. The last one finally seems to be working. They were far from fully diagnosing me the first couple trips in the hospital. I knew something more was wrong and told the ER doctor that I refused to leave until they figured out what was wrong with me. I could not bare the pain another minute, no second, even with the dilaudid.

After doing every possible test including MRI, Xray, CT scan, ultrasounds, vaginal exam, urine, blood work, and more.. I believe they finally figured it all out. I don't wish to share every detail of everything that was wrong but the treatment was excruciating, and made me sick for weeks. It had to get worse before it got better. My horrid pain finally subsided but I was still having symptoms. I also had oral thrush, an infection caused by my antibiotics. It felt like my throat was closing off, I had a hard time breathing or swallowing. It felt like hairs were stuck in my throat and I would cough so hard I would be gasping for air. So i went into the instacare and after doing blood and urine tests they told me I needed to go back to the ER. I asked if there was any other options because I really did not feel like going to the hospital for the fourth time in the span of one month. So we weighed our options and she decided to have a urologist get me in right away. I go back in to see him in a couple days to see if those infections have cleared up. But I believe they are almost all the way gone now because i'm feeling much better.

I had never felt so alone in my life. At the time I felt as if most of my family and friends did not understand, care or could even comprehend what I was going through. They were all my number one priority above work, fun, and anything else. And I felt like I was at the bottom of theirs. In my mind I was abandoned and left to rot in my bed alone till the illness' took me. And I began to come to terms with it, and thought just how wonderful it must be to leave this sick mortal body. I believe that without the knowledge and technology of the medical field today that I probably wouldn't be alive to tell my story right now.

I now understand that my family and friends could not bare to see me suffering so. And that they all really were concerned for me, but did not know what to do or say. No matter how much I begged my husband, he could not miss work. We had bills to pay more than ever and his work had a hard time allowing him to even take me to the E.R. Which I was livid about at first and gave him the ultimatum it's work or me. But I also had to come to terms with the fact that he, nor his company, could not understand the extent of what was going on in my body either. And how could I expect anyone to but Our Savior? Before this, I had no idea this kind of pain existed. And makes me sorrow for the world who has experienced it or worse.

The medullary sponge kidney disease I have is not curable so I will always have stones. But I am seeing a nephrologist to help manage them. He says as of now, I don't need surgery. Which I am extremely happy about because I had surgery to remove a stone a couple years ago and there's no way I could do that again and care for my newborn baby. In the past month I've been prescribed about 20 bottles of antibiotics for the infections, pain meds, nausea, anti inflammatories, thrush, anxiety, ect.. Ahhh! The antibiotics seem to be working, what a relief. I ran completely out of the pain meds fast but it doesn't really matter anyway because they don't do anything for me. And they just cause more complications.

I'm still having kidney, and kidney stone pain but it's more just irritating than horrifically painful like it used to be because of what I've just been through. So at least my pain tolerance has skyrocketed. I'm now thrilled to be up and out of bed. I'm exhausted, still can't eat much at all, and am very weak but I'm just so ecstatic to not be in that amount of pain any more. I might be over doing it now because I loathe my bed even if I'm not feeling well. I see the universe in a new light. Everything stands out, even a blade of grass glows of beauty.

So the reason I write all this is not to have a pitty party but for a few reasons. First, I think I just needed to vent. Second, if I ever get better, part of me wants to forget everything and part of me wants to remember it all. Because after going through all of this, I feel like whatever trials I have in the future I can look back and know if I was strong enough to get through all of this I can get through anything. And if I do get better, I want to never take my health for granted. I hope that whoever might read this can also do the same. Third, so that I can relate to other people. And help others when they are in pain and suffering. I never want to forget the way I wanted to be treated while being sick so I can treat them that way.

After all this is said and done, I'm still grateful for this trial. Without it I would not have my precious baby girl. SHE'S WORTH IT ALL! When I hold her, it helps me get through the pain. I'm reminded that my suffering has not been in vain. She's now my whole world and I would do this all over again if I had to. All of my agony has also made me enjoy the little things in life, and realize just how good I really have it. No matter what you go through, there's always someone in this world who has it worse. I will seek them out and lift them up. I could either choose to feel sorry for myself or learn something from this. I've decided to accept these two years of pain and make myself a stronger and better person because of it.

I've been very emotional lately because my pregnancy was so difficult. It makes me wonder if my body could ever do it again. I wanted a big family, at least four or five. I've always known that I was going to adopt but I wanted to have a few more of my own. I pray that in the future my disease will subside. But if it doesn't I will probably consider surrogacy. But for now I'm going to enjoy every second of Aspens life and be grateful for every breath she breathes. Because I won't get to have another child probably for a very long time.

I'm so lucky to have an amazing husband, parents, grandparents, siblings, and now child that have helped me get through it. And I'm sorry I could not always see that you were there for me. Thank you to the many of you who have prayed, fasted, and put my name in the temple. When I was on the dilaudid the third time, I thought that the second it wore off I would not have the strength to go on any more. But although I was still in pain I had never felt more strength and peace in my life through all of your prayers and efforts. At that point it was clear to me that my Heavenly Father knew what I was going through and that He loved me. I know that this is all part of his plan. After this experience it's made me even more grateful for my Savior, and that he suffered for me. My brain can't even comprehend the amount of pain he must have went through. And I now understand it was worth it to him, even if only one soul had been saved. I know now more than ever that He lives and that He died to redeem us from our sins. He is real, I can assure you of it.


Happy posts to come...

This is my favorite photo, it brings back the spiritual feeling of pure love and happiness

Hard work getting baby here